ヾ(´〇`)ﾉ♪♪♪ sinister switches (9.16)

 9.16.24

1:03AM MOOD: sleepy, musical, content
listening to: loads of songs with my boyfriend Eli

writing without coding is pretty cool, i get to use standard tools that i learned in like...3rd grade using microsoft word. i prefer it this way i guess, i totally would like to learn to code but i can never retain that information ugh! or understand it as much as my boyfriend does. 

um,  lately ive been studying hard for stuff in biology. college (and school in general) has been so hard. it's like when i struggle in a subject, i put all my studying and energy into that subject - and it's not that i dont try or study in my other subjects but i feel as if im more susceptible to burnout this way. i have never not struggled in school, whether it be work, peers, expectations, paying attention, etc. im so worried for this exam. im already struggling in this biology class, but im glad i have a boyfriend who's pretty good about chemistry. we've yet to really talk about it, however, im hoping he can help me a little. 

today was fairly uneventful, woke up late, studied, talked about interests...frankly i have things pretty easy, but i think the stress of school has been dragging me a little!

enough about school. im slowly learning (very. VERY slowly) to take a second and process my emotions in my head and finding the root cause of my feelings.

example: i am mad because someone disagreed with me. why am i mad that someone disagreed with me? i am mad because when someone disagrees with me, i feel wrong. and when i feel wrong, i feel like a failure. 

and. really, you know, feelings can be so complicated, and so distorted. it's like, how does this correlate to that? giving myeslf grace is probably the hardest things ive ever had to deal with in my life. whether it be about grades, my family, or my relationship- ever since i was a child it's been an issue. 

i slowly have started to realize why i feel these things, and where it came from. it's not pretty at all, but learning to give myself grace is a small step to being able to understand myself. i get so emotional on a daily basis. being a 20 year old working through childhood issues is so not awesome.

my feelings will always be apart of myself. not being able to be angry as a child made me feel like my anger comes and punches me in the face as an adult. but i am proud of myself to an extent. i feel like i have nothing to be proud of myself for, but i am for acknowledging, a step forward.

anyways! enough of the deep shit. i havent been drawing too much lately, but im looking into getting back into photography, and starting a new hobby.....

POTTERY!!! 

i actually really love pottery, but was never good at it. i really love being able to play with clay, and id like to eventually start to sculpt as well perhaps? who knows.

i miss my camera a lot too...

also i found this really cool faux stained glass craft i want to start doing too. 

 crafts i want to start: 

https://suzyssitcom.com/2011/01/feature-friday-faux-stained-glass.html

https://www.tiktok.com/@mburkez/video/7414663313667231006

https://www.tiktok.com/@artsymoth/video/7413397389295275306

silly picture that made me laugh today:   

(i am going to do this everyday)