(￢_￢;) impending doom (9.17)
9.17.24
8:44PM MOOD: inspired, stressed
listening to: loads of songs with my boyfriend Eli (AGAIN)
today was pretty eventful i suppose. my type of 'eventful' is just...work. i know that sounds a little silly, but i work with kids so it usually is fairly eventful for me in terms of teaching a class full of excited preschoolers.
every single time i teach that class, it seems like something's always coming up. i am a HUGE people pleaser, so of course, naturally, when teachers are upset with me because of something that was out of my control, as well as being criticized after doing the best i could have done...
i was definitely upset.
and not even any anger, just terrified and sad. as well as being in the real working world, everyone treats you like you're dumb. not even just people who have been around for a long time, sometimes its also people my age. it makes me sad, because i dont want to fit in, i just want to be accepted!!!
honestly, everyone does, so why is it so hard to accept me too?
i am not someone who wants to conform to norms and standards to make myself likable, i want to be myself and be likable! i want to be able to over explain, and be super nice, and be excited about things without people looking at me weird...like, i thought parents would enjoy hearing what their kid is doing in class, not look at me like im stupid when i try and tell them what their kids do when i teach them!
anyways, that was a hassle, and so is school still. my exam is in TWO days! very nervewracking. you think i'll flunk because of how crazy worried i am about it? maybe!
currently, i have just been doing what i like most. listening to music, and looking up recipes/cooking ! (as of late, this is my interest that im sticking with that i dont feel like i have to have expectations for. with art, while my livelihood, i have high expectations for myself, and get burnout fairly easy)
i wish i was better at some things, like coding...or being smart, but my life has been all about creativity....blessing and a curse, honestly. because when you're an artist, you dont get any attention (or get anywhere at all) unless your art is generally appealing. and ... i really truly do not think mine is. maybe online, yeah, but even then it's not the best thing. i mean, even if art is for myself, i would like to also make money from it! i think i want to learn painting because at least that appeals to people. even tattooing, that's paying for someone's art on your body! at least they're able to design things according to what people want.
i feel like im stuck in this style that only appeals to myself, even if i try and develop it. i want to expand hopefully, because i am tired of being a mediocre artist!!!
but. enough about my grievances, here's what i plan on cooking this week (HOPEFULLY) and prep:
coconut curry lentils
creamy miso and coconut butterbeans
homemade veggie stock
garlic cubes (exciting)
homemade hummus
um...im not sure what else. i'd love to cook more, but i need to find some really yummy ideas. there's a lot of rice-cooker meals i would like to try, maybe spam and egg fried rice upcoming?
my package also came in yesterday, a bunch of new clothes and goodies! that'll be my last buyee package for a while.... no more being a buyee warrior for now.
i am relaxing nicely, so im hoping that i'll be able to have a good sleep tonight as well. those kids surely wear me out but as expected from a room full of preschoolers!
listening to: loads of songs with my boyfriend Eli (AGAIN)
today was pretty eventful i suppose. my type of 'eventful' is just...work. i know that sounds a little silly, but i work with kids so it usually is fairly eventful for me in terms of teaching a class full of excited preschoolers.
every single time i teach that class, it seems like something's always coming up. i am a HUGE people pleaser, so of course, naturally, when teachers are upset with me because of something that was out of my control, as well as being criticized after doing the best i could have done...
i was definitely upset.
and not even any anger, just terrified and sad. as well as being in the real working world, everyone treats you like you're dumb. not even just people who have been around for a long time, sometimes its also people my age. it makes me sad, because i dont want to fit in, i just want to be accepted!!!
honestly, everyone does, so why is it so hard to accept me too?
i am not someone who wants to conform to norms and standards to make myself likable, i want to be myself and be likable! i want to be able to over explain, and be super nice, and be excited about things without people looking at me weird...like, i thought parents would enjoy hearing what their kid is doing in class, not look at me like im stupid when i try and tell them what their kids do when i teach them!
anyways, that was a hassle, and so is school still. my exam is in TWO days! very nervewracking. you think i'll flunk because of how crazy worried i am about it? maybe!
currently, i have just been doing what i like most. listening to music, and looking up recipes/cooking ! (as of late, this is my interest that im sticking with that i dont feel like i have to have expectations for. with art, while my livelihood, i have high expectations for myself, and get burnout fairly easy)
i wish i was better at some things, like coding...or being smart, but my life has been all about creativity....blessing and a curse, honestly. because when you're an artist, you dont get any attention (or get anywhere at all) unless your art is generally appealing. and ... i really truly do not think mine is. maybe online, yeah, but even then it's not the best thing. i mean, even if art is for myself, i would like to also make money from it! i think i want to learn painting because at least that appeals to people. even tattooing, that's paying for someone's art on your body! at least they're able to design things according to what people want.
i feel like im stuck in this style that only appeals to myself, even if i try and develop it. i want to expand hopefully, because i am tired of being a mediocre artist!!!
but. enough about my grievances, here's what i plan on cooking this week (HOPEFULLY) and prep:
coconut curry lentils
creamy miso and coconut butterbeans
homemade veggie stock
garlic cubes (exciting)
homemade hummus
um...im not sure what else. i'd love to cook more, but i need to find some really yummy ideas. there's a lot of rice-cooker meals i would like to try, maybe spam and egg fried rice upcoming?
my package also came in yesterday, a bunch of new clothes and goodies! that'll be my last buyee package for a while.... no more being a buyee warrior for now.
i am relaxing nicely, so im hoping that i'll be able to have a good sleep tonight as well. those kids surely wear me out but as expected from a room full of preschoolers!
funny picture today:
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